:o)

Apologies for wallowing in my turd these last couple of posts.

Service will resume shortly.

One question though: Is it okay to go to the movies alone?

So, me and S. The confession...

It's horrible facing your fear. Kind of soothing, but horrid. I didn't want to be alone, and when S was "there", i.e. his number was on my phone, he called sporadically, made hot-air plans to meet I wasn't. Someone male cared for me in the way a boyfriend perhaps should. Because I've got to the phase in my life where I want that so much. I don't want boys screeching obscenities at me as I mooch along, head down, to the bus stop (age 12-16). I don't want joke-like flirting in front of everyone, when I'm still fragile (age 18). And I don't want sleazy sexual worship, to be the subject of a purely sexual gaze, every time I'm out in clubs (today). I want what some of my friends seem so capable of getting, a boyfriend who cares about you, who is your confidante, who's the lifeline. I want a boy to love me. Because I feel that's the only way I will feel remotely sheltered next year at university.

So I kidded myself that tonight, when I would be, if I'd ignored my gut feeling, sprawling around in a hotel bed, would be a landmark. Not only would it help me forget why I feel like sobbing my heart out as soon as my eyes open in the morning, but I'd feel that at last someone liked me so much they were willing to spend money on me and time with me. No-one else wants to do that right now. I'm honoured that there's one person who perhaps wanted to, regardless of his motives. But you have to follow your gut instinct in the end. Tomorrow morning I just felt we'd wake up and it would be back to the sporadicness, me dangling off the fishing rod yet again. That would have been more damaging than ever, I felt.

...so, on Saturday, I confronted that queasiness, and phoned. Told him it was off, that this wasn't what I wanted from what we had. And that he never seemed to have time for me, I couldn't keep hanging on, it was inconvieniencing to both of us.

He ums and ahs, then tells me he's got a call on the other line and hangs up without a goodbye. Then I get this generic text: "Fair enough. Take care x".

Always trust your gut instinct. If only I could be as brave about everything else in my life. That big stone around my neck that makes me hate life so much.

She's finished

Cushion
Originally uploaded by allegra_collins.

I'm terrible at actually finishing projects off-honestly I have a needle case I made whilst watching Live 8 that's never been totally stitched and neatened up, and I never blocked or weaved in the ends of my Clapotis-but this is my very first finished finished project!!!

As I'm in the UK, I couldn't find any of the recommended Brown Sheep Lamb's Pride Wool so I had to use an alternative. I used Sirdar's Nova Super Chunky which is a wool-acrylic mix in a range of cool colours. I must say I was pleasantly surprised by the yarn, considering I'd dismissed most British yarns bar Rowan as acrylic tat. To the untrained eye it really does look like pure wool, it's lovely and fluffy, whereas a lot of acrylic can be really stringy. I'm thinking of frogging the clapotis I never wear (from another Sirdar yarn) and making the Nubble Chillpillow from SnB Nation, seeing as I have no money to buy new yarn!!!!

The loop stitch was so easy to learn, as was the bar increase for the cushion's reverse. The only problem I had was stitching it together. The loopy side seemed a lot looser knit and heavier in weight than the reverse, so I had to pin and press them together to sew. Moreover, as garter rather than stockinette stitch was used, I had to improvise on the matress stitch, stitching through every three ladders on the very edges as opposed to ladders in the stitch. But all in all I'm very impressed with the results!

xxx