All About Me...

It's not that I don't want to change. And I'm not making excuses for myself. I'm not enjoying the way I am, I would do anything to be different, to have fun just like everyone else. But where do I start? 'Cause it's not a dislike of anyone else that makes me do nasty things, or get so bitter. It's envy, because there's so many people out there who seem to be having so much fun, who don't seem to give a shit what they look like, who wear what the hell they want, can do, and are doing so many things, and are so interesting and likeable. And my whole life energy seems to be consumed by hatred and jealousy, and trying so hard just to look "acceptable", because through my eyes, seeing in the past how people seemed to be deemed likeable, it was always because they looked nice. I haven't got a personality because I haven't got round to creating one for myself. I don't know who I am, there's so many things I want to be. I want to be everything, sexy, funny, sweet-a nice girl, tough, practical, driven, etc. And I don't seem to be any of those things. Because in my head I tell myself that once I look pretty, then people will speak to me, and then I will discover it, or then I can develop an attitude that fits. I always seem to be doing that. I adapt my percepted self to what I thikn is appropriate for the situation. From sophisticated, intelligent and sweet student, to tough-as-nails, street-talking biyatch who dragged herself up from nothing and wears what her "sort" wear.
I always have this sense of diasphora, I am a stranger whereever I seem to be, not just one of the regular folk. At school I was one of the geeks and freaks, a person who spoke so well, at university, amongst the real geeks, and real posh people I was street, an airhead. Everybody here seemed to thikn I was the opposite to what I thought I was at school. I always feel like I am sticking out, that everyone notices how weird I am, how different I am.

***

As for the looks thing, yes it's an obsession. The need to look immaculate for every tiny public outing. The constant comparisons with everyone else on every tiny part of their body and mine, right down to stupid things like cuticles and skin texture. And the boiling inferiority, that I'm different, in a bad way from them, everyone thinking I look like a freak.

For five years, I had people constantly taking the piss out of how I looked, saying I was ugly, I couldn't wear fashionable stuff like pretty girls. And getting treated like dirt, seeing people giving you a disapproving once over. Whilst there were the girls deemed good-looking, everywhere, all over the magazines, in my surroundings, and how differently they got treated. How they were revered, admired, how they seemed to be having so much fun. And behind their backs, revered and compared even more. Everytime I get ready to go somewhere, I hear all those apprieciative comments and strive for them. At university it seems to be a constant beauty contest, there's always someone one step ahead. There's the girls who have all the looks, and a personality, and everyone loves them, and who the hell would like me? Looking like this.

It's not an egotistical thing, I don't want, or expect to be seen as the best, I just want to be considered how everyone else is. I don't want to be forgotten, or have the hyper-awareness I am being bitchily compared, by men, to every other girl. I don't want to be behind the window anymore, looking in at the normal, pretty people.

***

I don't hate my friends, I envy them too. I am so guarded, I think if I'm horrible, or acting all tough to them first they won't pick on me. I'm waiting for them to hurt me, I'm waiting for them to admit they don't really like me, like everyone else has to me, at some point. I'm dreading the inevitable fuck-up I am going to make, like I do with anyone when I am on the verge of any sort of emotional attachment, the accusation they hate me anyway, so I can cut them out, not speak to them, and then turn it all on me and say it was them not me. Like I did with the first true friends I made. The people I was so happy around and had all my interests, but in my paranoia decided they didn't really like me and so I made some excuse and cut them out, pushed them away. I always have to hate people before I love them. And I never accept anyone's faults against me, I justy banish them. I either love or hate people, and those feelings will change constantly.

With boys, all the ones in the past who I think about now and realise with hindsight they were actually interested, but I hate myself so much I just didn't give them a single chance. I hate me, so everyone else surely must. Surely it must be a joke, this flirting, it's a wind-up. Those invitations to the real world, that everyone else actually trusted and took, I couldn't swallow my fear or my pride and just backed away. I do it in relationships or with men as well, this initially flirting and confidence, then the self-hatred, "They aren't really with me, they aren't really interested.", "I bet you fancied pulling an ugly girl.", "I bet your exes were so pretty. Why did you go for me?", "Oh this is only a casual secret shag because I'm so ugly you can't show me off to all your mates.". And the bitter self-defence, when there was really no need.

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So everyone wants me to get help, see someone, etc. Yeh sure, but where the fuck would we start.