What hope is there for me, really? I was just thinking about my taste in men and my limpness when it comes to telling them where to get off. Seriously, no-one normal would a: even look at these men such is the bastard-ness they exude and b: if they were sucked in, soon tell them to fuck off. Ah but what do I do?

S, considering this whole farce of his has been going on since last December is still worryingly on the scene, still phoning me at 1.30am and still getting civilised and polite conversation in return. Which is surprising since S's idea of being supportive and understanding about my depression, etc is to send me photos of his new girlfriend, posing in her underwear. And who also happens to be rich. blonde and beautiful. Why is my knee-jerk reaction to him not the common "Just fuck the hell off!" but "Oh hey, how are you?". Argh why?!

Another one I seem to have picked up somewhere, like a bit of gum on my shoe, is R from my course, who I met at the wrap party for my documentary/short film module. Now, listent o the warning signs about this guy that I so stupidly ignored...

1. He was talking to a girl, but the way they were behaving made me assume they were a couple, you know, touching, heavy flirting, that sort of thing. Turns out she was a friend. Just a friend apparently.
2. His "friendship" with my friend who introduced us involved him sending her flirty text messages and such, when she had a boyfriend, and he still had a girlfriend.
3. When he was chatting to me, and as per usual, sucking me in with the charm, some other girl was screaming and crying at him to pay her attention, and why was he ignoring her after all the things that he'd said to her, etc. He was just laughing at her and shooing her away like she was some annoying animal.
4. I later discovered his girlfriend was at home. I was unaware of this and his funny ideas about friendship, which involved us nearly sleeping together, me refusing because he "doesn't do condoms". Why do I just spread my legs for anyone who says I'm pretty?!

Seriously, I think signs such as this are more cautionary than a set of warning bells and a neon sign in his head. And still, I chat to him, when he only MSNs me not for a general friendly chat but because he is horny and loves thinking of me when he wanks. I get on better with this guy than S but I still think I should keep this one at arms length. "Oh you reckon(!)". And why do I still send grovelling text messages when he pisses me off with his one track mind and I snap out of confusion, because as far as I am concerned, we are just friends, and my friendships with other men don't involve me telling them on MSN how I'd love to suck their dick.

I agree, I'm no saint/innocent victim in this. And I should stop ranting about it and simply tell them to fuck off. But I hate being treated like a fool all the time by men, I just seem to be a magnet for this sort of guy, while my friends get chatted up by sweet guys who either become good mates or even boyfriends. And they can tell who's gonna be a bastard and who's gonna be for keeps.

What is wrong with me?!!!