...so I'm back at home for the holidays. Not when I should be, a week early in fact, as on Thursday I finally threw the towel in, admitted I wasn't happy in spectacular fashion.

I was just fed up of being ignored, I hate the last few weeks of the final term. It's when I have the fact I'm not a part of anything shoved in my face. That only one person wants to reluctantly spend some time with me. That everyone else asks everyone else what they are doing and nobody bothered to ask me. Everyone's off at the beach and shopping in fucking Bristol and going to the cinema, etc. It seemed the two weeks I had at home everyone forgot about me and was a little too reluctant to admit I was back again.

Maybe it's just my paranoia that makes me feel like this, but everyone's support, to me, feels like it came a little too late and will be a little too sporadic. If everyone had been there in the first place, maybe I wouldn't have wandered round the town centre in a hysterical sobbing mess, screaming down the phone at my parents before collapsing in defeat at a walk-in doctors. Maybe if someone had asked me, when they were all sitting on my bed, what I was doing tomorrow.
People say it's my horrid time at high school, which has left me unable to trust anybody, to sit on the sidelines where I think it's safe, that's stopped me loving university like everyone else does. Don't get me wrong, at times it's been great fun, but I think it's truly fucked me up.

So I've missed out on the end of year ball, the last week of fun. And half of me is sad about that, but half of me is relieved I no longer have to sit biding time in my room alone, or wandering around the town centre, spending money and hoping it all goes away.


Now I'm home my parents have spoken to doctors who think I may have had a mild nervous breakdown. I don't know how to deal with that, or what would be the reason for it. Am I being left out or am I just paranoid?